-(cheering and applause)-let's move on, let's move on to our main story,zika. it's coming for you. reporter: the zika virus is spreading even faster than first thought. reporter 2: there are more than 2,700 zika cases in the continental united states. reporter 3: florida now has documented 56 locally transmitted cases.
reporter 4: 82 cases in pennsylvania. reporter 5: 160 cases in texas. reporter 6: new york city has about 500 cases of zika. you're getting zika!you're getting zika! look under your seat!everybody's getting zika! everybody! that's right. zika is spreadingthroughout the united states. you know how insane this isfor me? i traveled all the way from africa,and now i'm gonna die
in new yorkfrom a mosquito disease. do you understandhow embarrassing this would be if i died of a mosquito diseasein america? my familywould be shamed forever. it would be the worst funeral. everyone's standing there...they'd have to lie. "what happened to trevor?""no, he, uh, died of, uh, uh, erotic asphyxiation.uh..." "did he diefrom a mosquito bite?"
"no, that did not happen!that did not happen! he was jacking off!don't defame us like that!" now, now, maybe you're thinking,"well, zika only affects "unborn babies, and i'm notgetting pregnant anytime soon, so why should i care?"well, first of all, you're a bad person. you needto reflect on what went wrong in your life that made youbecome so cold and heartless. and, secondly, zika isactually worse than you thought. there is a new warning thismorning about the zika virus.
research now suggests it can cause brain damage in adults, as well as fetuses. man: zika could have an alzheimer's-like effect on adults. guillain-barrã©,which is a paralysis syndrome. another disease that's verysimilar to multiple sclerosis. new research suggests the viruscould be found in our tears. -i'm sorry. what?-(laughter) you can get zikafrom someone else's tears?
i'm sorry.if you're contracting zika from someone else's tears,that's on you. (laughter) how are their tearsgetting your system? what are you doing? "stop crying. stop cry...mmm. stop crying." -(laughter)-"stop crying." so the zika epidemic is a crisisthat's only getting worse. and now the bad news isthat the cdc says
that they're three weeks awayfrom running out of money to fight zikain the united states. yes, but, but, the badder newsis that congress is on the case. woman: for the third time, the u.s. senate failed to pass a bill to fight the zika virus. woman 2: democrats blocked the billion-dollar measure. they object to restrictions in the bill. republicans want to ban planned parenthood clinics from receiving federal money to fight zika.
oh. okay, i get it. it makes sense. it makes sense. so congress can't do anythingabout the the zika crisis until we all agree on abortion? how long could that take?not long, right? -yeah? yeah?-(laughter) a few weeks, maybe, yeah? and you know (bleep) getting real when congress resorts to show and tell.
i rise today to talk about zika, and i risewith about 100 mosquitoes straight from florida. aedes aegypti mosquitoes capable of carryingthe zika virus. this is the reasonfor the urgency. i feel like everyonein congress was like, "i need to goto the bathroom right now. i need to go."
i also feel like congressman jolly inadvertentlycame up with a solution here because all he has to dois lock the doors of congress, smash his zika jar. then we'll see how quicklycongress can work, people. -yeah, yeah.-(cheers and applause) you'll see how quickly. just smash the jar,and you'll see. they'll write a bill like that.
people will be like, "wow. you guys passed a billin 30 minutes?" they'll be like, "yeah,well, we're just concerned "about the well-beingof the american... american people, and we..." and i know america has, like, a super-fancyfirst world democracy, but when it comes to dealingwith epidemics, maybe, just maybe, you should learn
about urgencyfrom the third world. for instance, take south africa,my home, right? we had a bit of an aids problemin south africa, you know, in that peoplewere getting aids. uh... so then, so then,the government started distributing free condomsto help combat this. and this was hugein the country, because not only was itpoliticians coming together to fight an epidemic.
it also meant we didn't haveto hide our condom purchases between two issuesof zebra weekly anymore. -(laughter)-it was really important for us. and anyway, the free condomthing came with its own issues. and, again, the south africangovernment said, "okay, there's new issuesso we need to take action to fix this problem,"which brings us to last week. this is cyril ramaphosa, southafrica's vice president, right? think of him as like a pg-ratedjoe biden, all right?
now, last thursday, ramaphosawent in front of parliament in south africa to say, "when itcomes to protecting our people, there's nothingwe're not willing to do." the minister of healthwas able a few months ago to launch a new condom. the max condom... is in responseto what a number of people -(excited chatter)-were saying... they were sayingthat the other condom
that had been introducedby government did not smell so well... and it made a noise... whenever it was used. okay, okay, now, now, wait. now, you may be thinking,hey, south africans, if you can hear condom noisesduring sex, then you're doing it wrong. well, let me tell you something.
you don't know what southafrican condoms sound like. you see, like... 'cause it seems likea normal condom, right? there it is.this is basically it. but then,as soon as you add motion, it sounds like a vuvuzela. (vuvuzela blowing) -(vuvuzela blows)-you can't... you can't have sex like thatall the time.
oh, and by the way, they didn't just fixthe sound problem, right? they also went out of their wayto address the bad smell that peoplewere complaining about. and it comesin different flavors. if you want a grape flavor,you can get a grape flavor. if you want an apple flavor,you can get an apple flavor. that's my vice president,people. -(laughter)-that's the country i come from.
-(applause, whooping)-"you can have an apple flavor, you can have a grape flavor." that's a government that has its people'sbest interests at heart! yeah. america's congresscan't agree on funding, and south africa's addressingflavor complaints! oh, and by the way, you knowwho i feel really bad for? the person who has the jobof condom taster. (laughter, groans)
no, i mean, like,you're just like, uh, "mmm, "uh, gr... grape flavor.grape flavor. "yeah, that is grape flavor.mm-hmm. okay. "what... mmm,what is this, mmm-- skin. "is that skin? what... "is this a used one?! guys! "how many times have i told you,used ones on the left, "new ones on the right!come on, guys! "we are competent at our jobs!this is not congress.
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